Will I ever send this as a letter?
Would you even read it?
But with love, like math, it’s always good to show your work 🙂
It was short, it was mean, we fought dirty – twisting the knife.
Both of us in different ways, for different reasons.
I’m sorry it got that far.
I’m sorry I let you go there.
I’m sorry I let me go there.
I loved you. You didn’t love me.
That’s the story, everything else is window dressing.
Unneeded, unmerited, unwanted Drama.
I’m not going to remember the shit. The bad parts.
They aren’t worth forever.
I was to going to say that focusing on the bad was your story.
That it was your deal, and somehow I was going to be better than all that.
It’s actually my baggage.
The relentless drive to find beauty or focus in your life, even when things were shit – especially when things were shit – was why I fell in love with you.
I should be angry when you do that? Without me?
Or worse .. because of me?
In spite of me?!
Stupid, arrogant, and short sighted.
I started writing this, looping ‘Common People’ covered by William Shatner [making it somehow oddly perfect] as background music. I kept rewinding the song while I worked through the hard parts of this idea. At an emotional crescendo in the lyrics, 40 seconds from the end, I restarted from the beginning; over and over again. Like clockwork.
Eventually, at some point, I realized that new music had broken through the lyrics that were part of my internal conversation.
I was so intent on searching my mind, gestating my raw emotions down to answer a simple question, that I missed the moment when I chose not to restart the song again.
It was oddly, and romantically, poetic.
“How do I want to remember Rachel?”
“I choose to remember Rachel this way :
She loved my dogs.
She loved my son.
She and I had the best first date. Ever.
She rocked the yellow converse like they were Jimmy Choo.
She told me she loved me when she meant it, instead of when I wanted to hear it.
She was all smiles, glittery hearts, and giggles on Valentines Day; Despite herself.
And once, just once, she made me cry rainbows.”
It was an important question, I wanted to make sure I answered it just right.
You know how I get.
Someone walked back into my life recently. She deserves my full attention.
I needed to find a way to drop the baggage, close the door, and move on.
I want to give her my full attention.
Hating you was getting in the way.
I’m sorry I ever started.