Over the weekend, while playing with woodworking tools, I did some damage to myself.

It was kinda gross, very alarming, and necessitated a trip to the ER. I’ve been cautioned that it will take me months to recover the use of my right hand. Stubborn Steve says “Yeah, I can shave some of that time off ,, just as easily as I shaved off bits of my fingers!” But this post isn’t about my careless fuck-up .. it is about my more deliberate ones.

In the hospital, the RN asked me for emergency contact information. I didn’t have any to give her.
“You drove here like this?!”
“Is there anyone who can drive you home?”
“No, He is a little too young. *chuckle*” (gesturing at Vince with my mangled fingers.)
“Will your wife be able to drive you to the specialist Monday?”
“I’m not married.”
“Oh. Do you have anyone that can help with dressings? A girlfriend maybe?”
“Nope. I’m a single dad, I live by myself.”

If it wasn’t for the look of pity she gave me, I would have felt like she was fishing for a phone number. It took a few more sentences to get the point across that I was going to have to deal with this on my own. It didn’t hit me until later just what that meant.

I have no emergency contact.

Laying in bed, at 2:00 in the morning, my brain helpfully listing off the things that I may not ever be able to do again – I didn’t have anyone to talk with.
The demons swirling in my head were mine, and mine alone, to dispel.
It isn’t easy for me, to make myself vulnerable to others.
That one sentence goes a long way towards explaining the carnage of my love-life.
Because of that weakness, because there have been times in my life that I’ve felt the need to push away when I should have pulled towards, I am alone.

Picking the wrong women,
pushing the right ones away,
telling myself that I’m happy alone …
Choose your rationalization. The end result is the same:

I don’t have anyone who can knot a tie for me,
or button my left shirt cuff because I’m broken.
No one to share the small daily victories of life that keep you moving,
a new song,
a dumb joke,
No one that I know, unshakably, to have my corner – even if I’m not at my best.
A partner.
Someone with whom I no longer need to waste time or energy protecting myself from.

I’ve spent so much of my life, being afraid of the people closest to me.
I’m tired of making deliberate mistakes with the same end result.